With the approach of the holidays comes the associated dread of gift purchasing. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy giving gifts. What I don’t like is everything else about it. The spending money I don’t have, the hunt for an object worth the environmental destruction wrought to obtain the raw materials to make the thing, and the actual act of shopping.
Not having to go to stores anymore is one of my favorite facets of modern life, so I’ve put together a list of curious possibilities to get those lucky people in your circle for whom gifts will be purchased, all available online, of course. Will they actually need any of these objects? It’s unlikely. Will they enjoy them? Only if they fall within a narrow demographic. Should you buy any of this shit? Probably not.
Anyway, Here are my top 10 superfluous holiday purchases for the gift recipients in your life.
- United Federation of Planets Flag
- Why? I’m fundamentally an optimist, that’s why.
- Why not? Only Trekkies will care.
- Gnome Chomsky
- Why? Noam Chomsky is a national treasure and gnomes are adorable. It’s the perfect combination. Plus, you can be cheap and make the recipient paint him themselves.
- Why Not? Probably a bad choice for the family conservative.
- Plant Robot
- Why? Plants can’t scream, so I always forget about them. This gives them mobility and a chance at life.
- Why Not? It’s $949. How much do you love your gift recipient?
- A dog whistle
- Why? I’ve wanted one since I was a kid, for a variety of reasons. Currently, because I am occasionally chased by loose dogs when I run and maybe this will help.
- Why not? I have no clue if it will actually help. Also, it seems a silly thing to get when you don’t own a dog. Do you know any runners who possibly also have a dog? Yes? Perfect.
- Empty Clear Plastic Ornaments
- Why? Booze could go in these.
- Why not? Does the person in question actually decorate. I am saying this from the perspective of someone whose idea of decorating is wrapping a string of lights around the cat tree. Maybe ask. Alternatively, visit and inspect their home in a non-creepy manner.
- This is how we decorate in our household
- Periodic Tableware
- Why? I’m a scientist, currently working as an analytical chemist, and this suits me. Plus, it will allow me to track my alcoholism by allowing me to measure (approximately) how many mL of wine I am consuming,
- Why not? Is your recipient the sort of person who cares about matching glassware and/or do they give a shit about science? This is relevant.
- Three Worf Morn
- Why? Star Trek, that’s why. It amuses me. Plus, you’ll fit right in at truck stops in the Midwest where it will almost certainly be confused for the original variety.
- Why not? See #1. Hope you have Trekkie friends!
- That hairy bathing suit
- Why? It’s gross-funny.
- Why not? Does your recipient swim and/or are they ok with being stared at? How comfortable are they with public weirdness? Let’s be honest, most people probably wouldn’t wear it. This is wasted on me as I almost never swim, even if I was ok with being the center of attention.
- Book Nest
- Why? Just look at it. Just give me a book, a fuzzy blanket, and a cat. All it’s missing some sort of wine holder.
- Why not? I’m starting to think it only exists on Pinterest. If anyone can actually find this thing for sale anywhere, you need to hit me up.
- Vlad Cat WWDITS pin
- Why? I too always get the faces wrong. No, seriously. My facial recognition skills suck. Also, I love this film.
- Why not? Recipient must also like this film. Otherwise, confusion will ensue.
That’s it! Enjoy the holidays by participating in modern consumer culture and buying dumb shit no one needs! Alternatively, skip all of this and get outside or travel somewhere or even just do something affordable and fun with your loved ones that doesn’t involve such nonsense. Happy holidays!